Duckie And The Fat Kid
Duckie And The Fat Kid is a TV show created by J. Hulk Wollstonecraft and Claw Allan Smithee. It's intended to be a replacement for Two And A Half Men because Charlie Sheen done gone CRAZY!!!! Premise Jon Cryer is Duckie, a 1980s bohemian who grew up to be a cop after his heart was broken by a red-headed classmate. However, he's been kicked off the force and is now working as a P.I. Johnathan St. John is the Fat Kid. He's a kid...who's fat. Together, they solve crimes all over Parts Unknown, a lawless New Mexico city under the boot of the Big Man, played by John Goodman. James Avery is the Chief, Duckie's former boss on the PUPD. Alfonso Ribiero is Billy, the Chief's right hand man. Judd Nelson is Det. Foley, a police detective always in Duckie and the Fat Kid's faces. Cast *Jon Cryer as Duckie. He's basically playing his most famous role, Duckie from "Pretty In Pink." And, he gets to carry a gun. Suck on that, Blaine! *Johnathan St. John as the Fat Kid. He's a fat kid who's always eating. *James Avery as "Chief" Thomas Hollandaise. Avery is Duckie's former boss on the Parts Unknown Police Department. He fired Duckie because Duckie kept trying to bring down The Big Man, who kept on retaliating against the department. 60 cops were killed during the whole scrimish. *Alfonso Ribiero as Det. Billy Kidd. He's the Chief's right hand man. He was cast as a joke; because Ribiero and Avery were on The Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air together. *Judd Nelson as Det. Sam Foley. Nelson was cast because he needed the work. He's grateful to have a job again. *John Goodman as The Big Man. The rich guy behind pretty much every criminal element and activity in Parts Unknown, New Mexico. Goodman took the role because who passes up a show called "Duckie And The Fat Kid"? You'd be crazy NOT to take the job! *Sammy Sosa as Khazar Sosa: An international criminal with a troubled past and a mountain of savvy. Sosa offered for the role of this recurring character because his baseball career is in ruin. Quotes Duckie: And the figerprints on the gun match...Mrs. Haversham! Fat Kid: This a good donut. Duckie: Do you smell that, fat kid? Bitter almonds. This man has been poisoned with cyanide! Fat Kid: What is almonds? Duckie: Almonds are nuts. Fat Kid: Is nuts meat? Duckie: Well, they are in the meat family for their high protein content. (crunch) Duckie: Fat Kid, what did you just eat? Fat Kid: Almonds. (cut to an ambulance rushing the Fat Kid to the hospital) Duckie: I can't believe the chief put us on desk duty, Fat Kid. Fat Kid: I ate my desk. Duckie: GODDAMMIT, FAT KID! That's the fifth one this week! Quit buying ones made out of cake! Fat Kid: Ok. Duckie: I'm gonna go get coffee, do you want anything? Fat Kid: Nah. Got a thermos of meat slurry. Duckie: I'm sorry, Lilly, but your dog has AIDS. Fat Kid: When your dog dies, can I eat it? Duckie: FAT KID!!!! Duckie: Chief, you have to let Thomas Newman go. We found evidence exonorating him baked in this strawberry pie. Chief: What pie? (They turn to see Fat Kid with his face burried into the pie. Fat Kid looks up.) Fat Kid: This is still legally binding, right? (Duckie and the Fat Kid are watching Live With Regis and Kelly) Duckie: I think I would fuck Kelly Ripa. Fat Kid: I would eat her. Duckie: Whoa! I had no idea you were into cunnilingus. Fat Kid: Um...yeah...definitely don't want to fatten her up and cook in an oven. No siree bob. *nervous laugh* Duckie: Come on, Fat Kid. We're off to Mexico. Fat Kid: I got a suitcase full of salt. Duckie: What are you gonna do with all that salt? Fat Kid: I eat the salt. Duckie: Fat Kid! There's been a robbery at the butcher shop! Fat Kid: FUCKIN' MEAT! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (They rush to the butcher shop and burst in. Fat Kid shoots everyone, the robbers and the customers. Duckie looks horrified.) Fat Kid: Now, if you don't excuse, I'm gonna go eat that meat. Fat Kid: I don't feel so good. (vomits) Duckie: You ate raw meat! You have E. coli and salminela. At least you'll lose some weight. Fat Kid: Way to make me feel worse! (cries and then vomits again) Duckie: C'mon, man! We have a case to solve! Fat Kid: How do you think they get the filling into the twinkie? Duckie: Well the case is at a twinkie factory, so... (Fat Kid rushes out of the room and runs all the way to the Twinkie factory. Of course, Duckie makes there before him because Fat Kid keeps stopping to catch a breath.)